Random things on my mind...

I hate this economy. I love hope. I wish I had family close by. I wish I had family. My new nail polish is not “subtle red” but should be named “Dexter’s theme”. My daughter is a freshman in high school…and the same age I was when I met Lee Mannix. I miss laughing with Lee Mannix. I need to wear my glasses. I need to find my glasses. I need a new car. There is a sign in this hospital reminding everyone to remember the dementia awareness class and that makes me giggle. For those that have worked with me in the past, I’m wearing the purple hoodie today. The purple hoodie is all about comfort. There is a section of this hospital that smells like lunchtime at Ross Elementary. I think the “people you may know” section on Facebook should be re-titled to “People I am trying to forget, never want to meet, never liked, need to stay out of my life, or not sure how we have 110 friends in common because I don’t know who the hell you are” section. My son is moving to the dorms in 48 hours and I predict a weekend spent crying over his baby pictures. I want Taco Villa, Rosa’s, Texas Burger, Whataburger, and other restaurants only available in Odessa, Texas. Sometimes I get sad when I think my kids never knew the joy of Sherwood/Prairie Pete Park…granted, all the equipment smelled like urine and I sprained my ankle CONSTANTLY falling into prairie dog holes. Sometimes I am happy when I think my kids never played at Sherwood/Prairie Pete Park. I need to find a new job. I need to start listening to the advice of others. I wish I were a better friend and had more friends…sometimes it is just difficult to be alone. I do not want another ex-husband. I am no longer speaking to half of my ex-husbands and it is a sad thing I can mean that. Seeing the impact diabetes can have on the human body (by working in a hospital) scares the living shit out of me. I’m happy I am not diabetic. I have about $7 in change in the bottom of my purse. I need about $11,993 in change to buy a car. I wish I were in Portland right now. I’m going to dye my hair dark red.

Spring 2010...

I'm starting to get the creative urge again...so I'm going to write. Soon.

Fall 2009

It has been forever since I've updated the internet on the wonderful life of Joni. Poor internet. I don't know how you survived. Barely, I'm sure.

If you know me well (and I'll admit, that is a tough thing to do), you know the past few months have been "interesting" at best. Actually, the past two years...pretty much everything in my life has changed. One thing I have realized lately: people come and go but you are pretty much stuck with yourself. Might as well learn to like what you have.

I love change. I crave it. Boredom is, well, boring. What I didn't count on was how EVERYTHING in my life changing would break my spirit. It was like someone was chiseling away at my soul and little by little, pieces just kept falling away. My emotions were raw. I have dealt with a great deal of challenges in my life...and I guess this process was three decades in the making, but it still caught me off guard when I woke up one day and no longer recognized myself or my life.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend about how when we were teens, we both thought we,by the time we were 35, would be confident women, bathing in our self assurance and glowing with success. I don't even know how to define my own personal success at the age of 37. Isn't that odd?

Also, why is we only spend two decades as a "kid" but it seems to take a lifetime to deal with all that time? Maybe it is just me, but I see people often playing the "if only" game...it is a really useless game and leads us all to feel empty and unsatisfied. Why do we do this? Is there a part of us thinking if we replay the events over and over...and pretend there was a different outcome...we would be better people? What if you didn't marry so young? What if you didn't get picked on? What if you were more outgoing? What if....pointless isn't it? Because after all, we are the way we are as a direct result of all we have been through. The difference is how we we want to go forward...what lessons do we want to take...what changes can we make now?

This is SO much easier said than done. The logical side of me gets it. I recognize this as a truth. Emotionally, however, the process seems hard.

We are all scarred and wounded. Some of us just hide it better. Some of us don't recognize it at all. It is so much easier to identify other people's issues and either try to help them work through them, or...the less positive method...talk about them as to feel better about ourselves. Surely it isn't US with a problem. It has to be THEM. We critique choices and actions. We defend what WE would have done in the same circumstance.

I am not broken. I do not need to be fixed. I am only wounded and will heal.

It's working...

So, I just weighed in this morning and I've lost weight!!! I'm down 3 pounds (from my average lowest weight) and I couldn't be happier about it. At this pace it will take me 20 weeks to lose 30 pounds...that is a bit longer than I was hoping so I need to step it up a bit.

These workouts are still hard on me...I'm not going to lie about it. I simply can't believe how out of shape I've been. Losing those 3 pounds will definitely keep me motivated.

Making progress...

Well, I dare say I am making progress. This is day 9 of my new routine and I can successfully make it through at least one of the workouts. I'm actually trying to do all three...but don't seem to be getting past the first half of either...but damnit, I am trying. Dare I say the cardio workout is getting easier?? I shall! The cardio workout is getting easier! I still hate cardio though...and I really hate cute-ponytail girl. I think her name is Jamie. I call her bitch.

My eating has barely been modified...just trying to eat smaller portions and avoid caffiene. Breakfast is such a struggle for me...everyone says it is easier to lose weight if a person eats breakfast. I just don't feel like eating when I get up. I've tried forcing down some oatmeal and maybe I could do peanut butter toast. I bought some wheat english muffins and they were gross...so I'm going back to english muffin bread. I'm not a big fan of breakfast foods for the most part...I'd rather eat leftover meatloaf at 7am then a bowl of high fiber cereal.

I'm a little bummed because I'm working pretty hard at this and have seen ZERO weight loss. ZERO. My next weigh in is next Tuesday and I'd better see some progress or I'm going to cry. My weight generally fluctuates 3 pounds or so...so do I measure from the highest or lowest number?

I also struggle with yoga. I'm not the most graceful girl...I think I need someone to come over and ensure I'm doing these moves correctly. I'm pretty sure I'm not suppose to fall over or appear to be having a seizure.

Here is what I have learned in the past nine days: Cardio sucks, having my mp3 player going while working out really helps, I hate wheat english muffins, breakfast is a challenge, I don't know the difference between "downward dog" and "childs pose" and just make up my own stuff, working out does make me feel better about myself, I need new sports bras, and a lack of caffiene gives me a headache. Oh, and I got my bangs cut because they were bugging me during workouts.

Ouch...

I. Can't. Move.

My arms and legs are so sore. Typing even hurts. I'm certain to lose weight because I can't even lift food to my mouth. There is a muscle that is hurting...and I didn't even know it was there. Today is yoga day...I hope I can do it. The thought of doing the cardio workout tomorrow is enough to make me cry. CRY!

It will get easier. It will get easier. It will get easier. Dear Sweet 7 pound baby Jesus...let this get easier.

Oh boy...

Wow, I am so out of shape. These workouts are not as easy as I thought. Why can't I lose weight and get in shape just by purchasing the dvds and books? I am only doing one workout a day and I can't even say I do the entire thing. I am doing each and every move...just not as many as the skinny brunette working out with Tony. I hate her. She is just annoying with her perfect little ponytail...

Once I feel confident in my ability to make it through an entire workout and not have a heart attack, I will begin adding the second one. The great thing about this program (and all of Tony's stuff I have seen) is it is easy to modify. I can do one, two, or three of these a day....well, at least in theory. I could probably do all three if I have an hour in between...but that isn't very time efficient.

Maybe if I have cuter workout clothes...