I'm not sure why I'm writing this...probably because I am determined to be true to myself and with that comes brutal honesty.
If there was a company that employed people that push people away...I'm certain I would be the CEO. I don't let many people even close to me. I stand guarded as if my feelings and heart were more precious than anyone elses. My expectations of others are so high...it is almost a guarantee I will be let down. That is when the real pushing starts. My feelings get hurt (Most of the time people don't even know I'm upset) and then I'm done. Once I do that it almost always draws a reaction from the other person and then I am justified that I never should have let them in to begin with.
Most people would talk through a misunderstanding in a methodical and mature manner. I can do this with some people...but for most people I push. I shut down. Don't get me wrong...there are people in my life I have decided are toxic and do nothing but add drama....those are the ones where pushing is completely justified.
For the most part this has been working for me....obviously right? If it didn't work for me I wouldn't do it. The truth is I don't trust people...including myself. I don't trust people with my feelings, my past, my secrets, my heart...because if I do, I seem to lose a feeling of control. If I hurt you first...you can't hurt me.
There are a few people that I have let in and then pushed away and feel a deep sense of regret for that....my dad is one of those....luckily I have restored a relationship with my sister. There have been people I have pushed away that I don't miss...I have no regrets...and it feels like it was the best thing to do.
I'm difficult, picky, and have a problem believing that people really care about me. I always think there has to be a motive to it that isn't clear to me. Perhaps I don't feel worth it? I'm not sure. What I do know is pushing is how I react to being hurt. I've recently discovered that when someone says they love me my first response is "do you?".
So...why can't I give people the benefit of the doubt? Why do I need to jump to conclusions and quickly decide that someone has betrayed me if I don't get the right answer immediately? Why does it make me happy to push others away at the moment?
Maybe I'll never get over this. Maybe I will always be defensive and determined to doubt others. But right now....as I search for happiness...I am going to only look forward and be conscious of these actions. Maybe opening my heart to being hurt is just what this girl needs.
