Fall 2009

It has been forever since I've updated the internet on the wonderful life of Joni. Poor internet. I don't know how you survived. Barely, I'm sure.

If you know me well (and I'll admit, that is a tough thing to do), you know the past few months have been "interesting" at best. Actually, the past two years...pretty much everything in my life has changed. One thing I have realized lately: people come and go but you are pretty much stuck with yourself. Might as well learn to like what you have.

I love change. I crave it. Boredom is, well, boring. What I didn't count on was how EVERYTHING in my life changing would break my spirit. It was like someone was chiseling away at my soul and little by little, pieces just kept falling away. My emotions were raw. I have dealt with a great deal of challenges in my life...and I guess this process was three decades in the making, but it still caught me off guard when I woke up one day and no longer recognized myself or my life.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend about how when we were teens, we both thought we,by the time we were 35, would be confident women, bathing in our self assurance and glowing with success. I don't even know how to define my own personal success at the age of 37. Isn't that odd?

Also, why is we only spend two decades as a "kid" but it seems to take a lifetime to deal with all that time? Maybe it is just me, but I see people often playing the "if only" game...it is a really useless game and leads us all to feel empty and unsatisfied. Why do we do this? Is there a part of us thinking if we replay the events over and over...and pretend there was a different outcome...we would be better people? What if you didn't marry so young? What if you didn't get picked on? What if you were more outgoing? What if....pointless isn't it? Because after all, we are the way we are as a direct result of all we have been through. The difference is how we we want to go forward...what lessons do we want to take...what changes can we make now?

This is SO much easier said than done. The logical side of me gets it. I recognize this as a truth. Emotionally, however, the process seems hard.

We are all scarred and wounded. Some of us just hide it better. Some of us don't recognize it at all. It is so much easier to identify other people's issues and either try to help them work through them, or...the less positive method...talk about them as to feel better about ourselves. Surely it isn't US with a problem. It has to be THEM. We critique choices and actions. We defend what WE would have done in the same circumstance.

I am not broken. I do not need to be fixed. I am only wounded and will heal.

It's working...

So, I just weighed in this morning and I've lost weight!!! I'm down 3 pounds (from my average lowest weight) and I couldn't be happier about it. At this pace it will take me 20 weeks to lose 30 pounds...that is a bit longer than I was hoping so I need to step it up a bit.

These workouts are still hard on me...I'm not going to lie about it. I simply can't believe how out of shape I've been. Losing those 3 pounds will definitely keep me motivated.

Making progress...

Well, I dare say I am making progress. This is day 9 of my new routine and I can successfully make it through at least one of the workouts. I'm actually trying to do all three...but don't seem to be getting past the first half of either...but damnit, I am trying. Dare I say the cardio workout is getting easier?? I shall! The cardio workout is getting easier! I still hate cardio though...and I really hate cute-ponytail girl. I think her name is Jamie. I call her bitch.

My eating has barely been modified...just trying to eat smaller portions and avoid caffiene. Breakfast is such a struggle for me...everyone says it is easier to lose weight if a person eats breakfast. I just don't feel like eating when I get up. I've tried forcing down some oatmeal and maybe I could do peanut butter toast. I bought some wheat english muffins and they were gross...so I'm going back to english muffin bread. I'm not a big fan of breakfast foods for the most part...I'd rather eat leftover meatloaf at 7am then a bowl of high fiber cereal.

I'm a little bummed because I'm working pretty hard at this and have seen ZERO weight loss. ZERO. My next weigh in is next Tuesday and I'd better see some progress or I'm going to cry. My weight generally fluctuates 3 pounds or so...so do I measure from the highest or lowest number?

I also struggle with yoga. I'm not the most graceful girl...I think I need someone to come over and ensure I'm doing these moves correctly. I'm pretty sure I'm not suppose to fall over or appear to be having a seizure.

Here is what I have learned in the past nine days: Cardio sucks, having my mp3 player going while working out really helps, I hate wheat english muffins, breakfast is a challenge, I don't know the difference between "downward dog" and "childs pose" and just make up my own stuff, working out does make me feel better about myself, I need new sports bras, and a lack of caffiene gives me a headache. Oh, and I got my bangs cut because they were bugging me during workouts.

Ouch...

I. Can't. Move.

My arms and legs are so sore. Typing even hurts. I'm certain to lose weight because I can't even lift food to my mouth. There is a muscle that is hurting...and I didn't even know it was there. Today is yoga day...I hope I can do it. The thought of doing the cardio workout tomorrow is enough to make me cry. CRY!

It will get easier. It will get easier. It will get easier. Dear Sweet 7 pound baby Jesus...let this get easier.

Oh boy...

Wow, I am so out of shape. These workouts are not as easy as I thought. Why can't I lose weight and get in shape just by purchasing the dvds and books? I am only doing one workout a day and I can't even say I do the entire thing. I am doing each and every move...just not as many as the skinny brunette working out with Tony. I hate her. She is just annoying with her perfect little ponytail...

Once I feel confident in my ability to make it through an entire workout and not have a heart attack, I will begin adding the second one. The great thing about this program (and all of Tony's stuff I have seen) is it is easy to modify. I can do one, two, or three of these a day....well, at least in theory. I could probably do all three if I have an hour in between...but that isn't very time efficient.

Maybe if I have cuter workout clothes...

We did it...

Lexi and I just finished the cardio workout. This time I made it through...there were a couple of times I had to slow down and walk it out...but damn it, I made it through. Lexi did AMAZING! I'm so proud of her!!!

Tomorrow we have the total body workout.

Oh yes, on a side note...I made brownies today. But since I had oatmeal for breakfast I kind of feel like it is all even at the end of the day.

Dear Tony Horton...

Why are you trying to kill me? Is this a goal? Did you not get hugged as a child? 10 minute cardio workout my ass...I fell down crying after 1 minute and 27 seconds. I won't give up because I refuse to give you the satisfaction of my quitting. Seriously though, you need prayer.

Jo

Here we go...

Whoo Hoo!!! I got all my stuff in the mail today. Now the only excuse I have to not get into shape is ME. Here is what I got:

Tony Horton 10 minute trainer. It is based on stacking intense 10 minute workouts. I will probably start with one although a person can do up to three a day. No need to kill myself right off the bat. He is such a motivated trainer...he trains Rob Lowe and personally, I think Rob is still smoking hot. Anyway, the program comes with 5 different workouts, the schedule for a 4 week rotation, a meal plan (not sure if I will do this right away), resistance bands (which I already own...*shaking my head*), an intense plan to lose one jean size in 10 days (saving that until I am warmed up a bit), measuring tape (I might as well just write LARD ASS on the before document), an "on the go" workout guide so I can do the 10 minute workouts without the DVD (bonus!!!), the Beachbody fitness sampler (5 different workouts from other programs...such as Hip Hop Abs, Power 90, etc.), Tony Horton's one on one workouts (I am sure this is 5 different ways to die...), and a receipt.

The Biggest Loser Fitness Program. Nice little manual to supplement Tony's plan.

The Biggest Loser Cookbook. YAY!!! Now let's see if I actually like the food.

The Biggest Loser Complete Calorie Counter. Interesting information to have...

So, there it is. I'm very excited. Now that I have all my "tools" in place I am going to see how much progress I can make in 30 days. Wish me luck and I'll keep ya posted!

Grrrr...

How to save money in one easy step:

1. Lose your debit card.

Damn it. I hate when this happens!!

Waiting...

I should get my new workout dvds tomorrow!! I'm so excited.

Anyone want to come over and workout with me??? Huh?? Do ya??

Random things on my mind right now....

I'm ready for warmer weather - I want new cookware - I hope John figures out what he wants to do for Prom and I hope it turns out well for him - Lexi told me she doesn't understand me sometimes...and I wish I could explain myself so she did - I need to workout today - I want to eat at Qdoba today - Progress has been slow this week - That paperwork is not going to finish itself - Finding a new place to live isn't much fun when I don't really want to move - Gary and Bonnie have been married 40 years now...amazing - I miss my dad and just want him to tell me what to do - My coat doesn't smell like maple syrup anymore - I wish I could go to Gracen's 1st Birthday party - I would like to see my family - I wish I was better at maintaining friendships...I could use a friend or two right now - John's room is a wreck - I need to call Stacey and find out if Garrett wants all of John's old stuff...otherwise I will be mailing it to Landrum - Really? More Snow? - I'm addicted to these cooking show but I rarely make anything new - My mother hasn't called in two weeks...that is odd and it makes me wonder what is wrong with her now - I have 76 unread emails - I am going to start watching Deadwood Season 1 this weekend - I want new clothes but I want to lose weight before I buy them - Lexi needs new t-shirts so maybe we will hit the mall this weekend...trying to avoid Hollister - I miss Stacey's kids - Divorce sucks - Thank God for Unemployment - I wonder how Landrum's doctor appointment went yesterday - Yoga is harder than it looks - People are funny creatures - Not having daily interaction with people has made me leery of daily interaction with people.

Change...

I'm ready for change.

"Build upon strengths, and weaknesses will gradually take care of themselves."
---Joyce C. Lock

I love that quote. For so long it seems like I have been focused on fixing my mindset. Well, now I'm going to start getting physical with my change.

A few weeks ago I started the process of purging my house. A person never realizes how much STUFF they own until the sorting begins. That is so true in my case. There were so many things in closets and cabinets I simply didn't need...or even use. So far I have completely cleaned out the laundry room, hall bathroom, and hall closet. It is a really a great feeling to get rid of stuff. This week I need to tackle the kitchen, master bedroom, and master bathroom. The thought of the kid's room is a bit daunting...especially John's room. His closet contains just about every action figure EVER made, 1000 Star Wars "things", four million animals (I'm pretty sure during his childhood he received every animal planet package available at Toy's R Us), and more WWE junk than 5 boys need. Lexi's room is much better. The Barbies and Pollypockets have been put away for several years...now her room is filled with many books and random journals. The clothes will be the biggest obstacle in her room...I can't really sort that stuff without her. In my room I have about 8 bags of clothes I need to donate. I'm wondering if it is even worth it to keep anything I wore when I was much smaller...probably not. It is kind of depressing to see it...like a daily reminder I am many sizes bigger than I was five years ago. On that note...

I really want to lose weight. REALLY. Ideally, I would like to lose about 40 pounds...but I'm not sure at 36 if I will get back to what I weighed at 30. So...I'm going to put a goal of losing 25 pounds out in the universe. I sit and watch The Biggest Loser every week...generally with a plate of Chinese food or something just as bad for me. Nice. I need to get up and move more. I started doing some basic workouts last week but I need to get into a dedicated routine. I ordered a new plan...Ten Minute Workouts by Tony Horton. Those should be here later this week. I'm very excited about these. I also ordered The Biggest Loser cookbook. Cooking for two (it is Lexi and me at home most of the time) is challenging...not to mention my daughter is a pretty picky eater. We shall see where that goes. She got me one of Jillian Michael's books for Christmas and seemed up to trying some of her recipes (Ummmm....no, I never made them) so maybe if I get her involved in the process she will buy in.

Now, those two things are pretty big...organizing and losing weight. I need to find my strengths within myself and use them to motivate!! The sad thing is I'm REALLY good at ordering in Chinese, building the perfect burrito at Qdoba, and sitting around. I need to flip that mindset completely.

What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? I need to work on those lists...mainly the strengths. I need to take my "before" pics. All I can really control in this world is my attitude, my actions, and my hair color...and I really want to make the most of this life. I'm tired of the same stuff every day. I want to LIVE life and not just survive it.

I'm ready for change!!!

Random things I would like to say to people...

You are more than you give yourself credit for.
It doesn't bother me that you don't like me...just stop being childish and rude.
Someday you will realize how much I really do care about you.
You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really am sorry.
I miss you...we should do better at keeping in touch.
No. I'm not even laughing on the inside.
Keep your head up!!
Choices last forever, trust me. Go with your gut.
Where did you go? I haven't seen you in FOREVER.
You are right, I am not a good friend to everyone...but I try in the ways I know.
I do not have the energy to keep up with your drama.
I do not feel like a victim so don't look at me with pity.
What are your intentions? What is it that you want? Will you ever know?
Yes, I do believe I will have one more gin sour. Thank You!
I love you. I really, really love you.
It isn't all about you. Get over yourself.
You are too good for him.
I wonder what you will do when this ends?
Thank you for being such a good friend to me...
Why do you have to be so difficult? Seriously. Is it that hard to be a decent person?
You break my heart everytime....

It's been awhile...

I haven't blogged (or listed) in quite some time. I've been in a different kind of space lately and haven't felt much like sharing anything going through this head of mine. Hopefully that will be changing.

The past four or five months have been quite eventful for me. I've experienced so much change it really sent my world in a spin. Don't get me wrong...it is all for the good. One thing I have definitely learned lately is when thing happen it may seem like the world is ending...but in reality, once a person has time to process the events, it can be very exciting and possibly the best thing to ever happen.

I'm on an adventure...and I'm driving.